Mea Culpa
by theverystuffoflife
Summary: [Meā culpā, Latin - through my fault.] When an explosion rips through Zoe and Max's wedding venue, lives are torn apart in an instant. Ethan is faced with a heartbreaking choice over whose life to save. The decision he makes leaves him devastated and guilt-ridden – did he choose the right person? [Ethan/Cal/Honey/Lily and others] Loosely based on S30 spoilers.
1. Love tomorrow who has never loved before

**Hi :) I'm back, this time with a mammoth multi-chapter. This idea has been bugging me for weeks now, and I've planned it all out to make sure it made logistical sense, finally managing to get the first chapter written up over the last few days. I hope you all enjoy. (PS: shout out to the lovely Beth with the help with the title and the gentle coaxing which has helped me write over the last couple of days!)**

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Ethan shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he looked across the room, fiddling self-consciously with his tie. It was nearing midnight and he could safely say he was feeling pretty done-in, by now hyperaware of the warmth of the stuffed hall and the ridiculous volume of a piece of music he didn't recognise but everybody else seemed to enjoy. He hated parties, he always had, but the moment the invitation to Zoe and Max's wedding was stuffed through his letterbox he knew there was no way he was wriggling out of this one. Though he had enjoyed the day – the ceremony between his former boss and the chirpy porter had been touching and the reception quite beautiful, the party was just as he had expected, loud and definitely not his cup of tea. As for the wedding in general, he was surprised he was even considered as despite having a good relationship with his two colleagues he wouldn't exactly class them as friends. He suspected it had an awful lot to do with his brother – yes they were polar opposites but the Hardy-Knight brothers had been clubbed together as one entity by the staff of Holby ED and so it was a given; where there was Cal, Ethan had to be invited along too. He also suspected Zoe had a large part to play in the invitation – as soon as the date had been announced she'd been pestering a reluctant Ethan as to whether he was bringing a newly-returned Honey as his plus one; forever the matchmaker even at her own wedding. He'd not even considered the idea, more tempted to be one of the lonely souls who volunteered to be staff cover in the ED that day but after persistent nagging from his brother and also from Lily, who very clearly approved of the relationship between himself and Honey, he finally found the bottle…just about. Cal had teased him for weeks after he finally managed it, but for a painfully shy Ethan it was up there on his list of "life-achievements".

The brother in question was sat opposite Ethan at their table, a slightly tipsy Lily nestled in beside him. He'd steadily gotten her drunk as the party wore on and most out of character the young doctor had allowed the older man to place an arm around her as she giggled girlishly at whatever he was saying. Ethan kept trying to catch his brother's eye to give him a warning glare, knowing that tomorrow morning a sober Lily would not appreciate being taken advantage of, especially not by Caleb Knight. Wincing slightly as the crowded environment was starting to make his head hurt, he was starting to regret offering to be designated driver for his brother, best-friend and girlfriend – for once in his life he really needed a beer.

"Are you alright?" a voice from beside him made him jump, bringing him out of his slightly dazed state. He'd been so tired he'd almost forgotten about Honey's presence beside him.

"Oh yes, sorry Honey," he smiled warmly at the woman. "Just thinking."

Honey nodded, amused by the fatigue evident in her dates eyes. "You look knackered Ethan, do you want to start heading off?"

She knew when she began dating Ethan there would be very little late-night partying going on. The man could work a nightshift effortlessly but otherwise getting him to stay awake past 11pm was a struggle. She didn't mind, her wild days were long behind her and she relished the opportunity to relax a little. Being with Ethan had broadened her horizons – he'd taught her so much and she'd developed many new interests. To say she was smitten would be an understatement – the man had been the reason why (along with her father of course) she'd jumped at the chance to move back to Holby from Manchester once her grandmother had recovered. Of course, with the doctor being painfully shy it had taken a lot of patience once she had returned for the relationship to return to what it was before she left. But then once day, trembling and stuttering, he asked her to be his date to Zoe and Max's wedding. She said yes almost over-enthusiastically, though not conscious of playing hard to get anyway as it would break poor Ethan's heart. Between that day and the current occasion they'd spent more and more time together, both alone and with Cal and Lily whom had both had become firm friends of the barista. Honey could honestly say she was happier than she'd been in a long time.

"No! Don't be silly," the man replied. "The party is just getting started as Zoe would say," Ethan chuckled awkwardly, relaxing when Honey laughed in agreement.

"Well in that case Doctor," Honey smiled, moving closer to the man and lowering her voice. "Ask me to dance."

"Dance?!" Ethan choked, the panic rising in his eyes. "You should know I absolutely have two left feet Honey." Dancing was a bad idea – he'd surely show himself up in front of his girlfriend and never live it down from Caleb.

"Don't be silly," Honey grinned in response before getting to her feet and trying to balance precariously in her heels. "Look, everybody is dancing, your brother is far too busy flirting with your best-friend to notice anything else…ask me to dance?"

Ethan chuckled, glancing over at his brother momentarily to see he was indeed engrossed in trying to win Lily's affections. Biting the bullet, he sighed in defeat before clambering to his feet and approaching the barista before taking both of her hands in his own and pulling her closer to him.

"I can't promise you won't end up with fractured metatarsals," he laughed as he noticed the confused expression upon the girls face. "Foot bones," he clarified amusedly. "But Honey Wright, would you do me the honour of dancing with me on this fine evening?"

"You're such an idiot," Honey replied, trying to hide her blushes at the man's endearing chivalry. "Come on then," she smiled, almost dragging the man with her onto the dance floor. He looked somewhat lost amongst the other drunken partiers at first but soon got into the swing of it – Honey would even dare say he was enjoying it.

As a slower song started playing, Honey enjoyed the feeling of Ethan pulling her further into his arms. Fatigue finally catching up with her (she definitely needed another drink) she found herself resting her head against the man's shoulder.

"I don't ever want this to end," she admitted, whispering into Ethan's ear.

"What exactly?" he whispered confusedly in reply, but Honey could feel him grinning against her cheek.

"Hmm…this song, tonight, us being together…" she listed, before pulling away to look into the man's eyes. "I love you Ethan Hardy." She hadn't intended on saying it, getting caught up in the moment but it was the wholehearted truth. Looking deep into his gaze, she could have sworn she heard his breath catch slightly. As he said nothing, Honey could read the initial panic in his expression but it began to relax rather quickly. Pulling her in for a hug, Ethan pressed a kiss to the younger woman's forehead.

"Ditto," was all he could manage in reply. Truth be told he was completely flummoxed, definitely not anticipating such a statement from the girl currently in his arms. He loved her, he loved her immensely but never did he think she was that invested in their relationship. Nobody ever had been with him before now, he'd never heard those words uttered in his direction in his life before but it was almost as if he'd had an adrenaline rush, his heart beating ten to the dozen.

"What, you love yourself?" Honey joked, bringing the man out of his happy daze. She grinned as he laughed, looking happier than she'd ever seen him. It meant so much to her that she was able to be that person for him, the one who could bring him happiness. The man had been through a huge amount in his life, she knew that. Even in the past two years alone he'd lost his mother and almost died himself. She expected from fleeting conversations with his older brother that his childhood and adolescence hadn't been much better. She was grateful that because of her, his life was on the up - because he really deserved it.

"You think you're the comedian in this relationship don't you?" Ethan winked, before reaching to remove his glasses. He pulled the girl further towards him before pressing his lips to hers, bolder from her recent declaration of love. As they broke apart reluctantly, Honey reached to take the glasses from the man's grasp.

"You know you really don't have to take your glasses off Ethan," she giggled. "You're not going to knock me out with them."

Glancing around for just a second, she noticed the room had suddenly become a lot stuffier and a strange smell became apparent. Recognising it almost immediately from the time her boiler broke down, she turned back to Ethan who seemed oblivious.

"Can you smell gas?" she questioned. The question caught Ethan's attention and he looked straight at his girlfriend. Inhaling slightly, he did notice something didn't seem quite right. The panic kicked in almost immediately but before he could even answer bright lights assaulted his vision and he heard a whooshing sound as his ears started ringing. He felt himself falling as vibrations rippled around his body and he landed hard on what he assumed was the ground. Smoke billowed into the air around him and it filled his nostrils and mouth, but his body felt numb and didn't react. The lights faded but his vision didn't return – all he could see and taste was thick black smoke. He could hear what sounded like ripples of thunder as the roof caved in and debris falling around him like rain. As a piece landed on his head, the earlier numbness eased and an intense pain began to surface at the base of his skull, so sharp that he could only murmur weakly before he fell into unconsciousness.

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 **So there's that! I wholeheartedly apologise for the cliffhanger but it is important. The next chapter will be up in the next few days - I hope you enjoyed, please do leave me a review if you have the time.**


	2. Out of the smoke into the flame

**Evening! I honestly didn't think I'd get this finished tonight - I'm notoriously terrible at regular updates but I am determined to update every other day so I managed to get it done. I hope it's okay - I'm aware that it seems terribly slow moving at the moment and it's pretty prose-y but I'm conscious not to rush the whole explosion part so that the distant aftermath flows a little better. A huge thanks to everybody who has reviewed and left messages and favourited this (as well as the wonderful Tumblr folk who've reblogged my links to it!) - it was a little unexpected but I'm absolutely over the moon with the reception this is getting. If you left a review I'll get round to thanking you personally by PM eventually. Anyway, enough rambling!**

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Much like stepping out of an aeroplane in a foreign country, Ethan regained consciousness to find the hall was basking in unbearable heat. Blinking drowsily, he coughed as the black smoke continued to circulate through the room, wincing as the effort caused sharp pains to radiate through his head. Muffled screams pierced the air, people crying for help with no idea if it was coming. Ethan felt numb, his mind foggy and with no recollection of where he was. Blinking through the dark smoke, he turned his head slowly and could just about make out a hand lying beside him, clutching a bridesmaid's bouquet; the meticulously chosen flowers wilting in the heat. He reached out, ignoring his own pain as he placed two fingers against the wrist. It was all he had in this moment, the only scrap of medical knowledge he could extract from his throbbing head, to simply check that the person's heart was beating. But there was nothing. The hand didn't move at his touch. Ethan knew what this meant.

Feeling sick, he felt an overwhelming urge to move away from the body beside him. Lifting his head up, he could see flames licking furiously at the other side of the hall but quickly threatening to engulf the entire venue. As a rush of adrenaline hit him he ignored his own groans of pain and pushed himself into sitting position, taking in the scene of destruction – through the thick black smoke all he could see was bodies, some of them screaming and straining at the rubble trapping them to the floor, just pinning them down to be burnt alive. Others were silent, fates accepted in miserable defeat or people already gone. Then he remembered – this was Zoe and Max's wedding. Amongst him lay the bride and groom, their families, their dear friends and faithful colleagues – all of their lives torn apart in an instant. The realisation that his brother and girlfriend lay in this room hit him like a ton of bricks and he almost leapt to his feet, ignoring the searing pain washing over his body. Wobbly on his feet at first, he didn't even know where to start with searching for the people he loved. The wails of pain all merged into one, beyond the point of recognition - Ethan suspected his eardrums had probably burst by the force of the explosion, the continuous ringing in his ears become a source of distraction alongside the fog of his brain.

Stepping through the piles of rubble, Ethan was cautious people lay underneath the debris. He needed to find a way out so he could call for help but, perhaps irrationally, he was reluctant to leave the building and as a result leave his loved ones behind.

"Ethan?" he jumped as he heard his named being called weakly, at first believing his was imagining it but turned in the direction of the noise as the voice repeated itself more insistently. Squinting into the distance as he remembered he no longer had his glasses with him, his body flooded with relief as he recognised the girl lay before him.

"Lily," he managed to cough out, his tone a mixture of anxiety and relief. Lily was sprawled out on the ground, a wound from her head bleeding profusely but thankfully not appearing to be trapped. He made his way over to the junior doctor, wincing as he kneeled by her side.

"Are you alright?" she asked at once, trying to stem the tears that Ethan could see brimming in her eyes. "What happened?"

"I'm okay, just try and keep still for now," he said placing his hands gently on her shoulders to steady her as he noticed her beginning to panic. "I think there must have been some kind of explosion." his breath caught as he remembered the moments before the explosion. "We smelt gas…" he tailed off as the panic began to rise again - "I can't find Honey or Cal."

"Okay," Lily took a deep breath, before coughing as she noticed the thick smoke in the air. She wiggled her fingers and toes experimentally before managing to push herself into sitting position, ignoring the concern written on Ethan's face.

"We need to see if help is coming Ethan," she exclaimed, almost tempted to snap her fingers in his face to bring him out of the daze he was stuck in.

"Ethan! Get yourself together," she said as he turned from observing the hall again to look straight at her.

"I'm going to see if I can get out and see what's going on and then I'll come straight back…look for Cal and Honey?" she said, more of a plead than a suggestion. She was terrified and her head hurt but she knew there was no good in both the doctors sitting as they were.

Ethan nodded in response, instantly looking better by having a focus. Reaching out to take his friends hand quickly, he looked her straight in the eye. "Please be careful."

Lily simply nodded, squeezing Ethan's hand before dropping it and getting to her feet. Ethan watched her, anxiety building in his stomach as he observed her battle through the rubble before losing sight of her amongst the thick smoke and flames. His attention was drawn almost immediately back to the debris strewn amongst him as he heard an almost inaudible groan underneath a pile of debris. Unsure if he was imagining the hint of recognition he had from hearing this particular noise, what he did know was that if Lily was found here than Cal had to be close by. The groans became louder and more insistent, and it was the obvious gasp for air from whoever was underneath that spurred Ethan into action. Feeling even dizzier than before, he worked tirelessly to pull the bits of ceiling from on top of the body. He was lying prone and was caked in dust but Ethan recognised the build of the man immediately. He could have collapsed with relief as his older brother coughed as he was freed and tried to move.

"Caleb, it's Ethan," he said calmly, trying to avoid sounding too happy to find his brother in such a state. He moved closer to the man, kneeling down so he could see Ethan's face. Ethan didn't miss the way that Cal instantly seemed to relax as he opened his eyes and recognised who had rescued him.

"Nibbles?" Cal murmured, "Legs hurt."

"Okay," Ethan muttered in response as his eyes moved towards his brothers legs. He suppressed a shocked gasp as he inspected the damage – any hope of Cal walking out of the hall himself was quickly gone. He was a mess, and Ethan had to close his eyes to stop the emotion of the situation overwhelming him. He was logical, that was what everybody always told him, so there had to be a way around this. He immediately considered carrying his brother out of the building but knew how very difficult that would be – Cal was a lot bigger than he was, not to mention moving him in such a way would be setting him up for spinal injury (and he wouldn't put it past his brother to sue him for any damage).

"Ethan, why has nobody come to help yet?" Cal managed, bringing Ethan out of his thoughts. Cal was forever the impatient one and Ethan almost laughed at the question.

"I don't know Cal," Ethan responded, "Lily went to see what was going on, hopefully help should be on the way. Just-" he stuttered, suddenly unsure of himself. "Just stay as still as you can."

"Are you alright?" Cal wheezed suddenly, and Ethan met his gaze in surprise. "Not…" he forced out breathlessly, the medical side of Ethan aware that Cal must have had some nasty chest injury as well as all of the damage to his legs, "Not injured?" Ethan reached out to shake the shoulder of the older man as he noticed his eyes fluttering closed.

"Stay awake Cal," he said urgently, giving his brother a tight smile as he tutted in irritation as his little brothers pestering. "But no, I'm fine."

"Is Honey alright?" Cal suddenly remembered the young barista, realising Ethan hadn't mentioned her.

"I can't find her-" Ethan started, his voice wobbling slightly. "There's just so much rubble and bodies everywhere and the smoke and it's so hot-"

"Ethan," Cal coughed as the smoke irritated his lungs, crying out as the effort jarred his ribs, but continued regardless. He thought he could hear sirens in the distance as he spoke but his sibling did not seem to register them and the noise was drowned out by the roar of the fire inching ever closer to the pair. "You need to look for her!" Feeling a wave of responsibility for his younger brother overtake him, he ignored the excruciating pain he was feeling and tried to think logically. "I know you're scared but this is important. Wherever you were before the explosion, start there."

Ethan nodded, though didn't seem to move. "Go! I'll be fine and I won't move my neck or whatever." At this his brother clambered to his feet and began to walk away. Cal listened to the crunches of his feet against the debris becoming ever more distant. Fatigue overtaking him as the searing heat of the fire crept closer to his helpless form, he closed his eyes and gave into unconsciousness. A gas explosion at the wedding in which you were best man – an interesting way to die, he supposed.

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 **Another cliffhanger, I'm sorry! Will Ethan find Honey, and more importantly will she be found alive? Will Cal survive? Who knows? (Actually I do, but you'll have to wait for that!) See you all very soon :)**


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